from my sick-bed

Well, it's not quite my sick-bed. It's my regular bed, and I'm feeling very sorry for myself, and fancied a bit of a chat with you all.

I went into hospital this Thursday just gone, to have my gallbladder removed. I wasn't that worried about the procedure, until I started thinking about the anaesthetic. I've never had a general one before, and I was worried about all sorts of things, like waking up in the middle of the operation, or not waking up afterwards, or of being sick from it. Anyway, there was a whole host of things running through my mind as I sat in the waiting room, politely smiling as a woman told me about her 'waterworks' problems.

Turns out I was sat in the wrong waiting room (I was told to sit there, mind you) and had to be rushed into theatre last minute. This caused a bit of a flap, you see, as I wasn't mentally prepared, no-one had told me anything, or what was going on. A few shouted words at nurses later (they started it, trust me!) and I'm being whipped off to theatre on a bed by a lovely porter, who did his best to keep me calm. A few mumbled words through an oxygen mask later, and I'm being woken up in the recovery room in an intense amount of pain. I was watching some videos yesterday about where they remove the gallbladder from, and all of them are really ramming the tubes in and out of the individuals stomachs - no wonder I feel like I've been punched in the gut repeatedly! No-one tells you how much a laparoscopic procedure will hurt! A minor operation, pfft. 

Maybe it's minor compared to heart surgery, but considering until then, the most invasive thing I've had done at the hospital was an endoscopy (which was traumatic in itself!), it's quite major. I think to doctors and nurses who see this day in, day out, they become very blase about the whole thing, and they don't understand why people get so panicked. I'd never say I have anxiety, because I've never been diagnosed, but I've suffered some similar mental health problems in the past, and have suffered from panic attacks for a long time - so I know when I'm approaching that state, beyond the usual nervous worries. I think more doctors and nurses need to be aware that for some people, it goes beyond just being a bit nervous, which I get is totally normal.

Anyway, now I've been signed off for two weeks, and I was hoping to go back to work sooner than this, but as I can barely keep awake for most of the day and can't walk more than a few paces without being overwhelmed from the pain... this doesn't seem likely.

So have you got any recommendations of what I watch, read or do whilst I'm confined to my room? I have a stack of books I want to read, some knitting to finish, and Orange is the New Black to get on with, so hopefully these will keep me occupied for a little while?!

Or, if you fancy a chat or a gossip - get in contact with me on Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, or follow on Bloglovin', I need people to keep me occupied so I don't go stir-crazy!

Follow

the importance of a weekend

Until recently, I've never really understood those living for the weekend types - those people that just laze about on a Sunday morning in bed, as those mornings were so precious to me. Since about half-way through my seventeenth year, until just a few months ago (about eight years year, I shudder), I'd worked every Sunday, pretty much. The nearest I got to a 'lazy Sunday' was the shop I worked in being quiet on a rainy morning. 

And recently, I've had some pretty packed weekends - which has been so great, don't get me wrong! It's a weird thing, transitioning from shift work to a regular 9-5, because suddenly all your friends are free when you are! You don't have to uhm and aah over making plans 2 weeks in advance because you don't know your schedule. It's been lovely - I've been loitering around London most weekends, seeing exhibitions and catching up with friends I haven't seen for far too long. I helped treat my parents to a fancy lunch, been to the beach and all manner of activities.

But this weekend, I have had a change of pace... I've got literally no plans, no-where to be and nothing to do. I have the house to myself all weekend, I've slept in late, brought my giant cafetiere up to my bed so I could have coffee all morning, and have just chilled. As I write this it's almost two o'clock, I have all the windows open to let in the warm breeze, and I've painted my nails a bright green and caught up on the last couple of episodes of Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell (please tell me someone else is loving this as much as me?!). That is about the extent of my day. I might go get a burrito for lunch, and I have to put some flowers in some water, but that's about it.

What are you upto this weekend?

this week via instagram

I know these kind of posts saturate the blogging world, but I do quite like these little snapshots into someones life, and how they choose to present a face to the world via Instagram. I will admit that I try quite had to get my images looking nice, my Instagram is quite carefully managed. I think thats an odd thing to hear people admit - people want to give off the impression that they live this perfectly curated life, of perfectly angled coffee cups and pastries, of perfectly styled interiors, etc..
I always feel a little bit like I'm not good enough, when I read blogs. I think that is good for me, making me push myself to produce better content and do better for myself: on bad days though, I compare my life to theirs.

This is a very long way of saying: my life isn't like how I show it on Instagram. I mean, sometimes it is, but at the moment, for example, I'm in my PJ's at 4pm on a Sunday afternoon, make-up free, messy hair in a topknot, eating some easter chocolate, drinking an iced coffee and messaging my friend who is at work about how they've leaked the new episodes of Game of Thrones... 

Life isn't a really perfect Instagram shot, it's just me, trying to make things a bit prettier, and thats okay.

Easter weekend was spent a blur of food, cooking, baking, sleeping in, watching movies, and going on breezy walks with my brother. It was excellent - everything I needed to recharge my batteries and fully enjoy a bank holiday weekend! I've worked retail the past seven years, and I've never fully enjoyed the joys of the long weekend - I suddenly understood why everyone loved it! I made easter biscuits with my mother, walked around the heather gardens at Virginia Water, saw the Cinderella film with my friend, and just generally chilled. It was well needed.

This week saw me busy at work, I took my first solo business trip up to Sheffield, and sort of loved the city, from what I saw of it. I think it helps when you see somewhere in the sunshine, because it makes me happier. It's just over the Pennines from my mothers family, so I feel an affinity with the views and the accents, despite sticking out like a saw thumb with my home counties pronunciation. I ate dinner alone in Wagamamas, and it wasn't as hideous as I thought, and I was treated to the most stunning sunset over the hills, and I stood in the Meadowhall carpark until the sun colour drained from the sky just to watch it. (Oh, and I also took gratuitous selfies..)

This weekend has been a slow one, spent curled up on the sofa with coffee (alternating between iced, and hot), eating leftover chocolate, admiring the stunning blossom tree outside, going for lunch at the local revamped garden centre with my mother, and buying the most amazing, locally produced sausage rolls. I sat and devoured the Sunday paper, did some tidying and still, revelled in the joy of the weekend stretching out before me in one long stretch where I can do what I like! The sunshine has been close behind me all week, and I feel like it's pushing me along, edging me into summer with a little thrill of anticipation...

What have you been up to this week, and what do you think about how people present a face to the world on Instagram? I don't find it inauthentic, though some people would disagree -  I look at it as just trying to show your best face, like the difference between you in your PJ's, eating chocolate in the afternoon, or getting all dressed up ready for an evening out..!

doing what you love vs doing what you must

I need to preface this post with a short statement: I wrote this a little while ago, and had it saved in my drafts, unsure of whether or not to post it. I mentioned to you on Friday that I start a new job this week, and it looks like it could be something I'm going to really love - but I wrote this when I was feeling a little disheartened with my job search and my old job. Whilst I love the people there (most of them haha) and the skills it gave me... wasn't challenging me in the way that I wanted from a job. But It was a job, and I know that in this climate, I am extremely lucky to have one! And that is the point of this post, even though my bitterness may come through, that any job that pays you decently enough, you should be grateful for, because a lot of other countries and millions of other people don't have it half as good as us.

-  -  -

This idea for a blog post sprung out of a recent twitter chat I had with some other bloggers: the idea of loving what you do for a living. Whilst I think this is a lovely idea, it does present it's own set of problems...

I wish for a day when I can do solely what I really enjoy most in life (which is essentially baking, knitting, blogging, and going to the gym) and not worry about money, as do a lot of us, I suppose. But there are very few people I imagine, who can say they they really love every aspect of their job. And if you are one of those people, well done, you have it made! 

But for the majority of people, I feel like that isn't the case. When I was at uni, I shared a studio with a relatively nice, middle-aged lady, who decided she didn't care about getting good grades, good feedback, or looking for a job afterwards, because she had done all those things when she was younger. She had a very well off husband, which allowed her to just, sit around and paint all day. There was no need to earn money from it, her children were grown up so she had the time. She had it made, and yeah, I envied that, but it's not a common reality for a lot of people. To me it all felt very... boring. 

If I just sat on my arse all day and did what I loved, I'd have no money, my parents wouldn't let me live with them, I'd have no cash, no way of getting a job, either, probably, without references and current employers. I probably wouldn't love that. Also, you can't enjoy the daytime without a night, can you? If I never worked, I probably wouldn't enjoy the sitting around at home, baking and knitting, because it wouldn't feel special! I relish my weekends and days off, because I can fill them with the things I adore, and they feel like little treats to me.

I don't wish to belittle people who are genuinely doing what they love, because deep down, who doesn't want that? But the do what you love mantra is bandied about in a way that borders on derogatory towards people that aren't doing what they're MOST passionate about; it degrades people that work to get by. If you're lucky enough to be doing what you love, that's cool, but I often find those people that are, are quite militant about other people following their dreams. It's good to have dreams and passions and wants in life, and it's good to work towards them, but you've got to be realistic at the end of the day.

I'll be honest that I'm not sure where I'm going with this, maybe I'm just confirming to myself, that it's okay to not do what I'm most passionate about in life, because doing that job that I must do enables me to do all the things I love. It gives me money and stability through which I can then pursue my dreams, etc. I can work for minimum wage because I need to eat, and hopefully one day I'll be able to do what I really and truly want that will put money in the bank and food in the fridge. Until then, there's the job I've got and the job I do love, in a weird way, because it gives me that freedom. 

If you're interested in this, here is an article I read recently on Jacobin Mag about the do what you love mantra, which talks about this all in much more depth!

new year, new me? insert eye-roll here

Lets get it out of the way: Happy New Year! Hello, 2015! Are you still feeling fragile or are you well and truly recovered? Already tired of those "new year, new me" updates all over Facebook? Well, here is mine..  

Just kidding, I don't think that I'm going to be an entirely new person in 2015. In fact, I always kind of thought resolutions were for losers. Not in a mean way, exactly... Just that maybe they existed for those people that lacked conviction: like, why do you need it to be the 1st of January to make a difference in your life? Well, you don't, but I found last year that it helps to kick you up the bum. I made a resolution in 2014 to lose weight, and I lost about 6 stone. So, I've reevaluated my feelings on resolutions. Maybe they're not a bunch of crap, and maybe these people were onto something all those years, after all. 

1. Lose 50lbs. This sounds a lot, but I lost eighty-five pounds (well, eighty if we're not including the five I lost, then gained throughout December, which we're definitely not, because winter weight, am I right..?!) in 2013. Another fifty would put me somewhere I'm comfortable with, and then I can re-evaluate. 
2. Start running. This is something I've been considering the last few months, but always thought seemed like something I couldn't do. Fat girls, etc. I've realised though that that the only thing that's really stopping me there is my confidence. Do I care if people laugh at me for trying to get fit? No, I don't, so that shouldn't be the thing that holds me back. 
3. Get a bra fitted properly. This goes in conjunction with running, but I've lost a lot of weight around my middle and from my boobs, and as such, I have no clue what size I am anymore. None of my bras fit me properly anymore, and I want to be correctly supported when running. 
4. Move out. Who am I kidding, maybe just get a new job? Hahaha...Again, who am I kidding.. Maybe just, save some more money for when I DO move out? 
5. Read more. I have so many books on my shelf half-finished, half-started, half-abandoned... I want to make peace with them all, haha. If I enjoy them, finish them, if I don't, fully give up on them, don't leave them in a half-read limbo.
6. Apply for an allotment. I really miss the time and effort spent at the old allotment, and I want to apply for some new ones. It takes years to get one round here, but you never know... 
7. Consume less, buy less, leave less impact on the world, live more minimally. I say this every year, but I buy way too much stuff. I just want to own less, take up less space in the world, and leave less impact, so I'm really going to strive to make a difference with this, this year. 
8. Make more things, and make presents for people, too. On a similar theme as consuming less, I want to make more stuff and buy less. I want to knit more and make presents for people too, because I love receiving hand-made presents, and I have skills and talents that can be made into presents, so I really should just do it. 
9. Keep on with my blog, and keep up to date with the blogging world. Whilst I don't think I exactly let my blog slide when I started full-time work, it definitely shifted in priority for a couple of weeks, and I gained much more admiration for bloggers who also work hectic jobs. It's taken me 4 months (well probably longer) to actually catch up on my Bloglovin' feed, and I don't want it to get like that again!  
10. Become a pro photographer. Well, not a pro, but I want to become really au fait with my new camera. I want to know how to take the perfect photo on manual and all that jazz, because I'll be honest, I'm not great.
11. Love myself. This one sounds weird, I know, like a weird euphemism for something, or a hippyish phrase from Eat Pray Love, and I'm sorry on both accounts, but it needs to be said. I've made a lot of progress this year towards liking myself, lumps and bumps and scars and emotional baggage and all, and I want to keep learning to be comfortable with who I am.

It's a long list, some are kind of silly and throw-away things, but I've meaning to do for ages (allotment, bra), some are steps on my weight loss journey (running, lose 50lbs), some are about me trying to be a better person in the world, and some are just self-centred pursuits to a healthier mental place (but that is good!), but all are important.

What are your goals and resolutions for the coming year? If you want support, or just like to chat about stuff, I'm always here and willing to moan about weight-loss plateau's or failing to understand correctly what SEO's are..! 

on losing weight: fashion + clothes (etc)

What I want to talk about today is clothes. I used to post a bit of fashion-related stuff on my blog, back in the day, but as I've got older, I've found that I care less about what I wear, in general, as long as it's clean..

Finding clothes to fit me is something I think I'll always struggle with - as I'm not your average size, height-wise. I was talking to my brothers girlfriend recently, she's much slimmer than me, but we're about the same height, and she struggles to find trousers to fit her properly, so much so that she makes her own. So, I can't see my struggles improving in that department...

But recently since I've been losing weight, I've started caring again about what I wear. I'm not going to go crazy and buy all the clothes you see in Topshop because I'm really not that 'on trend', but I've got really into basics (exciting, I know). For example, I never used to wear jeans, now I'm on the hunt for a really good pair of them. (I was so pissed when I found out Topshop had replaced GAP in my local mall!)

Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent. I thought I'd talk about the pros and cons of finding clothes to wear - post-weight-loss.

THE BAD:

• Buying clothes in the middle of your weight-loss journey is an awkward one. Back in May/June I bought a lot of new clothes. I'd lost a lot of weight, it was my birthday, I want to look nice, etc. I got several pairs of new jeans, a few dresses.. I'm now almost 40lbs lighter. Just over a month ago, I got a new pair of jeans (a cheap pair from F+F as I'd learnt my lesson this time around) and, you've guessed it, they're too big now. I mean thats exciting, but it's not cheap. Be smart, if you think you're going to be losing more weight, wait. It'll save you money in the long run. 
• Finding your current wardrobe doesn't suit you anymore is tricky, too. I used to be a fan of oversized baggy everything, hiding all my stomach and my arms and my thighs and anything that I didn't like. Now that I'm a bit more confident, all those clothes swamp me, and I look the same size I did before. It's a shame, one of my old-favourite shirts is just unwearable because it's too big now.
• On a similar theme, re-learning my ~personal style~ is something I am still doing. I used to try and cover up everything I hated, but now I am happy wearing things a bit more close-fitting, but I'm not really sure what. I can't give you many pointers here, because I'm still in the midst of it, but I'm hoping that I'll get better along the way.

THE GOOD:

• Finding little things about your new body that look good in clothes, is one of my recent favourite things. After trying on thousands of pairs of jeans, I've found that some make my bum look pretty good. And then I stop and think about that thought, that shit, my bum can look good in jeans. 
• Whilst trying to figure out your new style is difficult, it can also be really fun. Clothes that you thought weren't options for you are now suddenly available, which is really fucking fun. I've been trying on all manner of random clothes when I go out shopping these days, to get an idea of what I like and what I don't like.
• It's really amazing to be able to walk into a regular clothing store and know you'll find your size. (Well, most of the time that is. I was in a New Look the other week and found they didn't stock in-store above a size 12, what the fuck is that about, New Look?) 
• Feeling more confident, generally. I spend a lot less time worrying about whether my shirt is too tight and clinging to bits I don't want, etc, because theres less bits that I don't want on show. It's exhausting, worrying about things like that constantly, and it's mad how much energy it takes up. 
• Caring less generally, about what people think of my fashion choices, too. I used to worry that people were thinking if I wore a certain item of clothing (how dare that fat girl wear leggings, leggings are not for fat people, for example, is something I overheard once). I think this comes with growing up and giving zero fucks about life, also.

This doesn't mean that I don't have tantrums about clothes not fitting, like any other human being (well, mostly the women, I suppose) out there but things are improving for me..

All other On Losing Weight articles can be found here!

missing in action

Just a short update to say that U+T will be a bit up and down until further notice, due to the passing away of a family member. Hopefully I'll be back soon, posts just may be a little sporadic in the meantime, please bear with me until then. I have some things scheduled, so I'll still be popping up on your feed, but if you need to reach me, the best way is via Twitter or email. 

Thank-you x

on losing weight: compliments, self worth + other people

Listening to others is hard, generally, but harder when you're trying to do something for yourself, and for you only. When people compliment me on my weight-loss, I face a tricky dilemma, because on one hand, I want to take their compliments and show them off to everyone like a shiny little badge of honour - when someone tells me I look like I've lost weight I want to jump up and down, sometimes, I want to shout to everyone "LOOK, LOOK AT ME, I CAN DO THIS!"

But then I have a little think, a split second to remember that this is exactly what causes the problem anyway, this problem of worrying what other people think, I've placed too much importance on what every passing stranger thinks.

So, internally, I am trying to get away from that happiness that is caused by other peoples compliments (and in turn, their insults). In my head, in these situations, you have two choices; engage, or disengage.

Disengaging yourself from the conversation is a tricky one. There are situations where it's awkward to bluntly lay it out, like, "This is none of your business." At work, for example, you might have to see people all the time, so you can't tell them to fuck off, no matter how much you may want to! A polite smile, nod, and a change of conversation is generally the best course of action, in my book. I am well practised these days at the fine art of changing the subject, and evading the question, but if it keeps my health (physically and mentally) intact, I'm not afraid to do it.

If they push, have a well rehearsed answer. I get the "So how did you do it?" quite a lot, and its human curiosity (and stupidity?), I suppose. If they are that awful kind of person that won't take a hint (we all know one of those) then don't be afraid to say, "Sorry, I'd rather not talk about it." There is a woman I work with who brings up "just how fat I was" everytime I bump into her. It's a shitty thing for her to do, but she's a shitty person. I'm getting better with the sarcastic comebacks, as apparently, it's how she gets a fucking clue.

There are also those people that make comments on what you're eating/your weight/whatever they feel like taking shots at that day. As a rule, I don't ever engage with these people. I think they're dicks, straight up. Generally, it is never your place to comment on how much or how little someone is eating, as you don't know their personal situation and you're probably not their doctor - if this is you, stop it! I'm still pretty overweight, yes, but occasionally I allow myself treats, it's not a criminal act, but you wouldn't know it from the looks I got digging into a burger and chips in Bill's the other week..

On the other hand, engaging is a can of worms in itself, but I have a few main questions I ask myself, when someone says, "Wow, have you lost some weight?"

Do I trust them? Generally, this is my first thought. A starting point, a place to work from is your relationship with that person in the first place. I have a list of people in my head (lol, issues, I know) of people I know I can talk to about my weight loss. They might not be the best of friends, or people that I've known for that long (or they might be) - some of them are family, and some of those people I definitely don't trust are family. You know, deep down, whether you can have a frank conversation about the struggles of losing weight, or whether you think a compliment is genuine, or not, so trust that gut instinct.

Am I in the right place mentally to discuss this today? The second thing I have to consider is my general mood. Some days, I just cannot entertain that conversation, simply put. I might have lost two pounds that week, and still not be in a good place to discuss it. If I am feeling like this, you have to have the strength to just shut that conversation down. On one of my darker days (weeks/months!) I cannot talk about it. I might still have gone to the gym that day or eaten healthily, but regardless, I cannot look outside that bubble I'm in to see my progress, and having to fake-smile a way through a conversation about 'how good you look, now' is a hard thing to do. I'll obsess over the details, like if they said now, what does that mean? Like I looked shit before? It's just asking for trouble, in my book.

What are my boundaries? This is obviously different for everyone, and even for me, they differ from person to person that I know. With most people, I cannot talk numbers. I can say I've lost five and half stone, but I can't say what my highest weight is, or where I want to be - mostly because these are triggers for me, so I steer clear of talking about that with pretty much anyone.

Obviously, this could all seem very over the top for people that don't have these kind of mental triggers - but even if you don't I hope you understand where I'm coming from! Everything is a learning curve, but I am slowly learning to separate my self-worth from other peoples opinions of me. I don't want a bad day to be because some random fucking person thought I looked fat. I don't want to cause a binge because someone thought I ate too much. On the flipside of that, I also don't want to only feel good about myself when someone tosses me a compliment like a scrap to a dog - I don't think that is a healthy way to live!

All other On Losing Weight articles can be found here!

something wicked this way comes: on halloween and witches

As it is Halloween on Friday I thought I'd talk about my fascination with witches... I've been intrigued by witches and witchcraft for as long as I can remember, avidly consuming books about witches, television shows (from the good to the awful) and films. I had little journals where I would write down spells, and collected crystals, incense and candles that I thought were particularly special, me and my friend would get together and talk about whether we thought they worked or not. I dressed up as witches at least three years in a row for book-day at school (Mildred from the Worst Witch, Hermione from Harry Potter and the White Witch from the Chronicles of Narnia): essentially, I devoured as much as I could about witches, my mother would have to supply me endlessly with books because I would read them so fast. Maybe it was growing up with a Catholic influence, but it always felt a little bit illicit to be reading about witches and magic.

I've hidden this obsession well as I've grown up, but every time Halloween rolls around, I find myself returning to those stories, shows and cinema and thinking how fucking cool it would be if it were all real. For 10 months of the year I am generally grounded in reality, but in September, when the air begin to cool, I let my solid footing slip.

Maybe it's the change in the seasons, I have always had romantic notions about nature, and the hidden Pagan inside of me wants to make wicker effigies at harvest. I begin to pay close attention to the cycles of the moon, and wish it was acceptable to wander barefoot over the local common, lighting bonfires and wearing a black cape. I fear it wouldn't go down too well, where I live.

For now, I'll collect crystals, and stones with perfect circles inside, dried herbs and sticks and feathers, pretending that I have my own little tree-stump altar and a circle made from branches..

Follow clare's board wild wood women on Pinterest.

(Images taken from Pinterest, photo credits where possible are provided on Pinterest.)

everyday jewellery + rings

The other day I was thinking about the jewellery that I wear every day and the sentimental reasons behind me wearing it, and thought I'd show you a little peek at the kind of things I decorate my hands with. Generally, I'm not a superstitious person, but around the time I lost one of my favourite rings, I went through a very tough time at uni. I know these things are stupid and unrelated coincidences, but part of me holds these jewels a little tighter when I'm feeling shitty. I think it helps that most of them were either gifts from the women in my family, or bought for me by the women in my family, so it makes me feel like they've got my back, in a stupid way.

I wear on a regular basis quite a lot of jewellery, actually.. I have some pieces that belonged to my grandmother: a gold sovereign necklace and a beautiful sapphire and diamond eternity ring given to her by my grandfather. I also wear a little silver band with flowers engraved into it that I got with my mother in Florence for my 21st birthday. On the other hand, I wear a really special gold ring that was my great-aunts and given to me when she died. The other things I wear are bits and bobs I've collected over the years, like a skinny silver band found when I was at uni, or a plethora of moonstones because I've always been fascinated with them.. 

I could go on and on and on about how special these things are to me, but I think everyone has a piece or two that is special to them. And really, I shouldn't be so superstitious with these things, the memories I have connected to those people carry on even if I'm not wearing those rings, but I feel like they're little reminders of them, when things are shit or I'm really down. 

down, but not out

I'm afraid there is no Weekend Wanderings post from me today (though some of the old ones are good ones!), as I've done a few of those kind of link-up posts this week - here are some autumn good autumnal recipes and some activities I want to do before the season is up if you fancy having a look!

I'm also going to be honest today and say that I'm really not in the best shape for blogging today, and this week has been a tough one. I don't want to force happiness or falseness in my blog if I'm not feeling well. My mood has not been the best, and it's unfortunate at this time of year, one that I really love, that my depression always descends again, and I really struggle with day-to-day living. 

A few things are changing in my life, too, which is making things feel even more turbulent: I've recently found a full-time job, but obviously with that comes some changes that I need to adjust to, so blogging may be a little sporadic over the coming weeks.. But, stay with me, and hopefully I'll be back on track as soon as possible.. (: 

workspace sneakpeek

I don't know about you, but something I really enjoy is seeing the space that other people work in. In a concerted effort to try and improve my posture and stop spending as much time blogging in bed (although that is exactly where I am right now, oops) I have been trying to make my desk-space a more inviting place. Usually it is a dumping ground for magazines, bills, letters, make-up, used cotton pads, etc. You name it, it usually ends up there..

So, I thought I would show you around my space a little bit, but I wasn't sure how to do this post, without rambling on a whole lot.. Therefore I've condensed this to a list of my few favourite bits and bobs.. 

• My lovely friend Kiki gifted me these two lovely round green agate slices because she knows how much I love crystals and rocks and anything related. I use them as coasters, and they're pretty perfect.
• On a similar note, aren't my little trio of brass trinket boxes just amazing? I've found quite a few in charity shops over the years, and nearly all of them contain gems of some kind. I split these three on my desk into colour, and they're usually forming a little pyramid..
• It's probably psychological but having greenery around me makes me feel so much better - my favourites are my mini-crassula in a jar and my spider plant given to me as a cutting from an internship.
• Candles: I have a selection dotted about my room, but my favourite is my nearly-dead melted stub of a giant pillar candle that I've been burning for about a year. I don't know where my mum got it, but it's lasted forever. Scentless, it just makes my room feel cosy.
• Jars of, er, stuff... That's pretty vague, I know, but how else do you describe a giant jar full of pinecones and bark, or an old candle jar filled with shells and trinkets from the beach, or my lipsticks in another old candle jar with my favourite lipsticks in?
• A little bit of art, here and there. You can sort of see the quilted koi-pond my mum made for me, or the manual-panoramic-photographs I took in Verona, both of which I really love. I also have a print I got for free at an event, reminding me to be a bit more optimistic, some old photographs my dad took of Salford in the 1970's, and some feathers found, collected, and gifted over the years. I want to add to the collection above my desk, but I'm not sure how to arrange these..

What do you think? I know it's rather white, but I can't think too well if there is a lot going on right in front of my eyes... It's definitely making me work there a lot more, which is good, I think. 

If you have any questions about any of the things I've not touched on, let me know, I'll be happy to answer any questions. If you've done one of these posts, please link it in the comments, I'd really love to see it! I'm horrifically nosy, you see... 

on losing weight

I've been mulling over the decision to talk about my weight-loss on U+T. I've mentioned it here and there, and have had a few questions about it on Twitter, so thought I would write a bit of an introduction. I guess it's mostly for myself, but I want to write more about this part of my life on my blog, and I wanted to make it clear that this hasn't been an easy ride. I think a lot of the blogs and articles I read want everything to look like some beautifully curated Pinterest photos of healthy food (I admit, I'm guilty of that too) - but mental illness and struggles with food can often go hand in hand, and although the extreme end of eating disorders (like anorexia and bulimia) are often talked about, other kinds of eating problems are glossed over (particularly if you are anything but underweight). I still walk a fine line between happy and depressed, between obsessing over food and being aware that you need to eat healthily, and that's something I'll always have to deal with.
So that all said, take everything I say from here out with a big pinch of salt - I am no expert, obviously.. I'd also like to ask you to be respectful in the comments (if you decide to read this mammoth post and comment) as I know weight can upset people easily.

+ + +

I think in order to understand how I got to be the weight that I was, I have to explain that I've always had a strange relationship with my body. It's always been an other to me. It was something other people talked about, made fun of, or touched (whether I wanted them to, or not) and I just never felt like it was a part of me. When you are a young teenager and you are very sad all of the time, you spend a lot of time with other people discussing you as though you're not there. Your body and your mind become this thing that is everyone's business and suddenly the only thing you will always have, your body, becomes something public, that doesn't belong to you any longer. Because you are so young and desperately sad, your choices are taken away from you, and you don't get to have a say in it anymore, because other people know what is best for you. (It's not that I regret the things other people decided for me, I can definitively say that I would not be here today if it wasn't for the actions of my parents and doctors - however, these are thing you only appreciate in hindsight, ten years later.)

I think that because I went through a hard time when I was a young teenager - in the years when you begin to understand things about yourself - that gave me a strange relationship with food, and eating. When I was younger and some difficult things happened - I thought it was because I was too fat, that those things might not have happened if I were thinner. I stopped eating for periods (a very, very, very stupid thing to do) and would binge on junk-food when I was alone - like it made it okay if no-one else saw me do it. I did a lot of silly things at that time of my life: to put it simply, I could control what went in and out of my mouth and I could control pain, when I couldn't control anything else around me.

I got a bit better, mentally, after a few long and hard years, and my eating returned to 'normal'. It wasn't healthy eating, but I didn't really care, because I was having fun, being at art college and in my first year of university where everyone was sort of crazy anyway so I didn't feel so singled out. It wasn't my little sixth-form where everyone knew everyone and everyone knew me as the girl that cried all the time. And at that time, I wasn't in full-time therapy, I was off-meds for some of it, and I sort of didn't give a shit. I lost a bit of weight at first, but then I began to go the other way, embracing the fact I was bigger, starting not giving a fuck and following all sorts of amazing bloggers, like Gabifresh, Franceta Johnson and Nicolette Mason, fell head over heels for the body-positive movement that was happening.

Then things began to sort of fall apart at university, realising that I hadn't put my trust in the wrong people, I did stupid things again, I needed therapy again, I was on medication again.. After a particular horrible incident - when I was crying over the fact a pathetic man had called me fat - I realised that I was okay with being fat; I even blogged about it. I wasn't upset because he thought I was fat, I was upset that fat was the insult he was attempting to degrade me with - not unintelligent or shallow or arrogant or anything that I would've been more insulted to be called. But fat - like the most insulting thing is how much I weigh, not what I am like as a person. It was just, pathetic, pretty much, and that is still what I think about people that use that as an insult.

That was such a pivotal moment: it was like thinking for my entire life that being skinny would be the thing that would make me a better person, that being thinner would somehow cure all the emotional baggage I had, hoped it would cure my depression. In the back of my head I would always hear a voice saying: that boy did those horrible things because you're fat, you didn't get that job because you're fat, you failed those exams because you're fat. It's vicious, and horrible, and I know everyone feels like this occasionally, but this was like a mantra that I lived by until suddenly, one morning in a quite art studio at university, I realised that nothing I thought about being fat was true.

So for a while after university, I completely stopped caring. I was fat, and so what, I still got shit done and lived my life. It was like, the biggest weight (haha) lifted from my shoulders: this giant self-conscious thing I had been dragging about behind me for twenty years had suddenly had gone and I realised that this was really what it was like to give zero fucks. It feels really good. I urge you to try and get to that place, mentally, if you aren't already there.

This Christmas, though, I realised that I would like to be healthier. Healthier, not skinnier, that was the key. It was putting health before looks, how I felt over what I looked like: I just wanted to be able to run up the three flights of stairs and not feel out of breath, to be able to do more. And so gradually, over about eight months, I've lost five stone.

I'm not thin; I'm not even really that healthy, but I'm a lot better than I was. I can't run a marathon, but I can look in the mirror for probably them first time in my life and not shy away from what I see. It's helping in other aspects of my life, too, with friends and the relationships in my life. I know this statement is potentially problematic, but I really feel like it is true for me: you cannot love someone until you love yourself. How can you really care for other people when you spend 90% of your waking time thinking about how much you hate yourself, and obsessing over what you look like?

It has taken me nearly a decade to get to a place where I want to reclaim my own body. I know I've barely scratched the surface on this journey, but at least I've made a little progress. I'm not saying the way that I've gone about things is the best way, God, no. I have a few really amazing friends and a surprisingly supportive family that have helped along the way but I know that I have done a lot of the hard work myself. The hard work being all that thinking that comes with this kind of stuff, fighting the deluge of internal insults and assaults on your self-confidence that everyone deals with daily. But it's nice to feel like I occupy a bit less space, and a lot more of my body, these days.

my birthday week

me and my papa  -  my mum and my dad  -  a bird managed to get inside the feeder  -  dinner with dad

a new aloe vera plant from lidl  -  blue araucana eggs  -  birthday moon and a cat on a roof  -  birthday makeup in b&w

casting on new knitting projects  -  knitting in the garden  -  our pak choi flowering by mistake  -  finishing my yellow hat

my mum fashioned a shirt/dress from a scarf with a leopard on  -  strawberry birthday cake  -  a church in buckinghamshire  -  my dad taking me to the best field ever (more on that tomorrow..) 

I've had a really relaxing week this week - I turned twenty-four yesterday, which feels really weird. I feel like I've had a lot of mental stuff to deal with this year, and its made me feel a lot older, but after getting over a cold and finishing a horrible week of shifts at work, I've enjoyed doing homey things, like going to the allotment with my dad, organising his party with my mum, managing to get to the gym every day this week (oh yes) and then having a very relaxing weekend, with a little excursion today that was lovely lovely. I honestly couldn't be bothered to get all the stuff together for a weekend wandering today because I've had such a chill day, so you'll probably get a bumper edition next week! 

Right then, hope you've all had a great weekend and got a little bit of sunshine wherever you are - I'm off to eat dinner, a saffron and lemon chicken recipe from my new cookbook - Persiana!

black days

It's no secret on this blog that I have had struggles with depression, and today has been what I affectionately call 'black days'. They are days I just write off, essentially. They're the days where I lie in bed and cry for two hours straight or feel sick to my stomach about my life, and I know there are other people out there that feel like this, too. I know that it's not normal to want to ruin everything I've worked really hard for just because today is really hard. So this just a reminder, a placeholder on my blog for future black days, because there will be many. That just because today sucks, tomorrow might be bit brighter. It might be - but it might not be.. sometimes things get better before they get worse. Either way, be strong and good luck if you're suffering from black days or grey days. 

just summer spring things

I know that really, it's only just spring, but today was so nice though, I felt tricked into thinking it was later in the year. I had a summer dress on and my sunglasses and was sunning myself with my mum in the twenty-two degree weather that I could be forgiven for hoping that this warm weather sticks around, right? 

I feel like this post is very blogger-y, which makes me laugh, because I'm not, at all. Like, cherry blossoms and close-up photos of food and candles, haha. Oh well, these things make me feel like summer! The cherry trees where I live are all coming into blossom and it really is one of my favourite things. Ours blossomed on Saturday, and it's been buzzing with bees ever since, so today I pinched a bit for my room. 

I also know summer is on the way when strawberries start getting cheaper in the stores, and I eat them out of my mum's really adorable patterned bowls with copious amounts of my new favourite yoghurt and wildflower honey. I've been obsessed with greek yoghurt and honey at the moment - but I think that is probably a whole different post about my 'healthy eating' haha. 

This candle I got in Tesco today, it's one by Price's and it apparently smells like Earl Grey tea - I'm not sure about that but it sort of smells like a fresh, but slightly spicy orange (my mum tells me this is bergamot, apparently!) which I am enjoying. 

Anyway, this has sort of been a nothing-y post, but I am content with that. Hopefully, I'll have some more interesting things for you over the next few weeks, if I don't descend into a Game of Thrones/ASOIAF coma  (I'm desperately trying to finish ADWD Part 2 before the next season starts!). 

Right, let me know what you're up to this week, if anything! 

here's to 2014

2013, I have recounted to my friends many times, has been the shittest year I have had in a long time. It started badly and continued on a sour note for most of the year. Don't get me wrong, I have had some nice days out to castles and continental cities and although I didn't jet off anywhere fancy this summer, I had the most nostalgic English summer to a town that I used to visit every year. But the inbetween times were filled with the most vile year that university could bring on me, living in a horrible place with some people who turned out to be not who I thought I was, and left me with a bad case of depression that landed me back in therapy and hospital in the early part of the year. Despite all those horrible things happening (and the general post-uni haze that descends about two months post-graduation when you realise you haven't found a job yet because your university prepared you so poorly!) I have realised I have a thicker skin that I thought, that I have an amazing group of friends that even when we haven't seen each other for a month because we all work retail and have hideous shift schedules that I can talk to all evening until it's dark outside because we have so much (and nothing) to say to each other.. That even when my oldest friend moves half-way across the country I will still see her, and that my family will be there for me. My mum has been the most amazing person this last year, and has always been there in a very quiet way, looking after me when things are all fucked up. So even though 2013 has been pretty dire, there have been some golden moments that remind me to keep trying, even when everything looks very black and bleak. Let's hope 2014 runs smoother...

the bigger fish

There is not much substance to this post except to say - look how beautiful my fish are getting? They're growing so fast and they all have their distinct personalities now, I am so, so, so attached. I have to say to anyone who is thinking about goldfish; as long as you're willing to spend a lot of money on a proper tank and a fancy ass filter: get them. They're so beautiful to watch and really calming, too (well, my mum says watching them when they're about to be fed tires her out cause they're so dappy and manic). 

I feel like a proud mother. 

secret gardens

I don't know if you know - but The Secret Garden is my all-time, hands down, favourite film. I was given the book as a child, which I love, but then I was given a video tape of the 1993 film when I was five or six.. I watched the tape until it wore out. A few years back my mum found the DVD on Amazon for a couple of pounds and it has been my go-to favourite film ever since. It is one of those films I will never tire of, it is stunning in its cinematography and score and it never fails to make me feel better. At this time of year, when everything is starting to turn and I feel the brunt of my depression creeping back in, I think it makes me feel better to think about, as cheesy as that sounds. So here, have some screengrabs from it, because I find it so pretty.

tweeness, triteness and tat

I often face an ongoing battle in myself - something that really probably shouldn't bother me but it does. That is the battle against tweeness - against that very American style way that has permeated blogs that decorates the celebration of seasons and holidays. I think there is something cloying about perfectly styled Pinterest set-ups that as bloggers we try and emulate.

I am excited about Autumn, Fall, if you will, and so I decided to look this up on Pinterest, trying to find a picture for a previous post. I'm faced with an array of scattered orange maple leaves, of pumpkins precariously posed, apple pies and scented candles and hot chocolate. I can cast a net and find a thousand over-Photoshopped photos of orange tree-lined avenues. Something in it strikes a chord in me and I get torn - torn between thinking this is so tweet, an American presence that has invaded our blogs and magazines and TV-shows..

But then I stop, and I look at the images and just tell myself to shut up sometimes, stepping aside from my persona as a 'fine artist', as someone who can be a snob, I admit! At university we were drummed into with the idea that anything slightly twee was awful and we should hate it because it isn't somehow real or gritty… I know that was because our tutor was a hideous man, though, and I look at this images with a different light, today, because I don't really see the harm in celebrating something that is genuinely beautiful, the changing seasons and nature. I don't see the harm in celebrating the love of hot chocolate, or bonfires, or toffee apples, of cinnamon scented candles.

I lived with a girl at university who was so vehemently against anything like this - against things that weren't striving to be cool or unique and my god, it just seems like too much had work to deny yourself enjoyment - and more to the point, who are you to judge people that enjoy these things? I'm not sure if there is a point to this post - maybe this is just a change in my mind, but I don't want to have a similar, awful, contrived personality that I grew to hate - I want to be honest about things that I like and not feel the need to hide them. 

Does anyone even understand what I'm on about? Haha, oh well.