putting your faith in time as a healer...

Since I was a teenager, I've found it hard to switch off my brain and go to sleep, because for the longest time, I've dreaded being alone with my thoughts. When I need to to sleep, my mind decides to replay just about every horrible, shameful, painful, bad and depressing incident in its back catalogue, repeatedly; to the point where I used to be in tears and unable to sleep, staying awake for hours with the TV blaring, just so I didn't have to think about these things. 

I used to think that these things would never change, that I'd never be able to not feel like this, I just assumed that it was how my brain was wired. Therapists gave me endless tips and tricks to dealing with these negative thoughts, but they never seemed to work that well. I was lying in bed last night, trying to will myself to fall asleep, and with a sinking feeling in my stomach, my thoughts drifted to one of these incidents. For some reason, no amount of mindfulness, meditation and rhythmic breathing has ever been able to take my mind off this incident.. 

But there was nothing. There was no deep stomach ache of guilt, the tears never came and I didn't want to vomit or claw my hair out. There was just this hardened little lump in my throat, and then it went away. I was instantly reminded of this quote by Rumi - so much that I got up and went to my notebook and wrote it down several times.

Don't turn away.  Keep your gaze on the bandaged place, that is where the light enters you.

I'm not religious, I believe in people changing things for themselves, to make a difference. Last night when I felt like I was sinking into this horrible place, that would put me in bad mood for days, I realised that something had healed over the wound. There was nothing there except scar tissue, a small something that told me how I used to feel when I revisited that place. No tears, no shame, no guilt, no black rabbit hole... It felt like just a bump in the road, a small skip and then it was gone.

There is little I can attribute this to, except putting my stock in time as healer. That old pithy saying, time heals all wounds, that I've never really believed in, suddenly feels true. I've been working on learning to look after myself, my health, my mental health and suddenly it feels like all my hard work is paying off.

So I just want to let you know that if you're feeling like this: hopefully it will get better. It will all pass one day, and you'll barely notice. You'll be snuggled up in bed on a lazy Saturday morning with it snowing outside, listening to Dusty Springfield with a smile on your face because you know you're getting better.

honesty, advice & integrity whilst blogging

A little while ago I got into a somewhat heated discussion with a couple of other bloggers on Twitter about honesty vs not telling the truth: I was slated for not explicitly telling everyone my mental health history, and in their eyes because of that, I was completely not allowed to talk about it as such. To me, this was ridiculous. I think everyone should talk more about mental health, regardless if you have diagnosed issues or not - this is the only way stigmas will end..
However, these thoughts have stayed with me since then, and now that I've gradually started talking more about ways to look after your mental health on my blog, and felt it was about time to post this disclaimer, even though it's sad that I even have to. 

For starters, I am so very intensely wary about talking about mental health on my blog, incase I say the wrong thing. I am no professional, obviously. I want to give people links here for the Samaritans, the NHS, Childline and the Mental Health Foundation, Time to Change - more links to help pages at the end of this post. When I talk about mental health it is very different to mental illness: to me, mental health is just looking after your general wellbeing, your psychological state of mind, etc, and mental illness will be a condition diagnosed by a GP or other health practitioner.

I touched on the subject in some of my more personal posts and generally in my life, and on my blog, I have never hidden the fact I have suffered from depression in the past; I am quite open about it. If you ask me, I will tell. If I think I can offer advice on the situation as someone who suffered badly when younger, I will. If I think I can help someone from doing something silly, sad, dangerous, or that they might regret, of course I will help. 

Unfortunately, stigmas surrounding mental health do exist, and despite the excellent work of campaigns like Time to Change, people do perceive people with mental health problems as lazy, or crazy, or any number of awful things. I exist in this world (how existential), and have to live with how other people perceive me, which makes me hesitant to present my entire medical history (I know, how surprising..). I'm not putting it all out there online, for future employers, partners, or friends to find out, before I tell them in person.

However, just because I don't share every last detail of my illness, it doesn't mean that I don't care, it doesn't mean that I can't help other people, it doesn't make my opinion invalid, it doesn't mean I cannot offer advice, and most of all, it does not mean that I am being dishonest with you, as readers. This is not an either/or thing, it is not that black and white, there is a whole spectrum of emotions and situations in-between honesty and lying.

The other thing to address is that in a world where impressional people (at any age) are so present online, I am wary of glamourising the illness in any way - there are other internet personalities out there that do this, and I find it highly disturbing. 

Most importantly, I am not trying to shy away from the fact that I have some problems with depression, and if anybody asks me, personally, I will offer advice if I can. I am not ashamed of it. Not in the slightest, I think it has made me a much stronger person. What I'm not going to do, though, is parade about my figurative or physical scars, in a bizarre attempt to convince people of my authenticity.

To summarise; I'm going to talk more about mental health and how to look after your mental health in general, on unciaandtigris.com, but I'm not giving you my life story, I'm not going to tell you the 'gory details' - for lack of a better phrase - but this doesn't make me any less able to talk about it.

Some links that I could find, not an exhaustive list, but hopefully a place to learn more: Samaritans, the NHS, Childline, the Mental Health Foundation, Rethink, the NHS depression help-page, Depression Alliance, Anxiety UK, beat, Bipolar UK, OCD UK, Royal Society of Psychiatrists. 

8 tips for beating january blues

Today is supposedly the day that in the UK, everyone feels the worst, post-Christmas, and has been dubbed 'blue monday'. Whilst this has sort of been exposed as pseudo-science, I understand the theory behind it. All year, I am prone to bouts of depression, and even in the summer I can find myself in a black mood - however January seems to emphasise it, and make it all seem so much worse. Maybe it's the constant wind, the grey starts and dark evenings, or the rain at your window most nights, but somehow, it all conspires to make me feel so awful.

January is a long, dark month, and it seems to never, so you need to take care of yourself and be aware of when your mood might be slipping. Here are my best, tried and tested tips I've learned over the years to try and shift that mid-January-funk.
(Please check the disclaimer at the end of this post for further information and links to mental health websites.)

1. SLEEP WELL: I find that I never get enough sleep, ever, but that is just me. I often beat myself up over sleeping in at the weekends, but that is my body's way of screaming at me to listen to it! It needed that 12 hours! Conversely, if you find yourself sleeping at lot, and are still waking up tired, this can be your body's way of telling you that something isn't right. Be aware of your sleep patterns, practise good sleep hygiene, and hopefully you'll notice an improvement.

2. GET OUTSIDE: Fresh air, sunlight, and Vitamin D do wonders for your body, your mind and your general health. Even if you're just doing an extra five minute walk in the daylight, getting out of your office at lunch and walking once around the block, or to the corner-shop, it really helps. Also, fluorescent light like in offices, etc, and the blue-light from your laptop does something weird to your circadian rhythms and your hypothalamus (the bit of the brain that regulate sleep patterns, melatonin, serotonin levels, other hormones, and all sorts of stuff in your body), so trying to keep them in line with good, natural sunlight is generally not a bad plan.

3. BE SOCIABLE: I find that the best thing to lifting me out of a sharply spiralling mood, are friends. Even just reaching out to them by text or Whatsapp and having a stupid conversation makes me feel miles better. I'm naturally quite an introverted person, and don't like to rely on other people if I can help it, but sometimes, you've got to lean on someone else and admit when you're not coping. 

4. BUY A NEW LIGHT: I've never tried these, but I know several people swear by clocks that wake you up with daylight-level artificial light and lamps that use daylight-bulbs, which helps boost those chemical levels we were talking about earlier. I have no experience of this, so I don't really like to comment, but if you're working in an indoor environment, travelling to and from work in the dark, this could be the way to boost your daylight levels.

5. FIND A ROUTINE: I find that I work best when I'm going to bed at a reasonable hour, waking at a good time and getting into a little routine when I get home from work. It takes the guesswork out of the evening if I know what I'm having for dinner, what time I need to get up and do things. At the weekends, I try to get up at a reasonable hour and make the most of the daylight. Make a schedule, if you need to, but I find if I'm sitting about at the weekends, wondering if I'll do something, I get really stressed that I won't see the sun for a whole week, so schedule things in.

6. COMFORT FOOD VS HEALTHY FOOD: I think in January, you shouldn't be super strict on yourself and force yourself to detox with weird all green spinach and kale juices (though this is proven to be a load of nonsense) that suck the last remaining joy (eating all your Christmas chocolate and the leftover cheese you found at the back of the fridge) by eating very little. However, getting your vitamins is important, so make sure you up your fruit and vegetable intake, and screw it, eat that cheese, go for Nando's or pizza with your mates if you want, cook a giant lasagne, if you want. Who am I tell you what to eat?! Just find a balance that suits you.

7. MAKE PLANS: Having things to look forward to is a great idea, even if it's just a day out or doing something that you enjoy. I am a firm believer of spending time alone, so try and schedule something you really love, maybe a day out to an exhibition or a museum trip, or having a little day out at the weekend, just to have something to look forward to that you really enjoy to help recharge your batteries, and remind you of the good stuff in life. 

8. BE KIND TO YOURSELF: I said it before, but be kind to yourself, look after yourself. If you're feeling rubbish, make friends and family aware, because they do care about you, even if your brain might be telling you otherwise. Don't strip all the joy from your life, make time to recharge, do things you really love, sleep in at the weekend, eat chocolate in bed... February is a short month, and then it's easter, and then it's basically summer, so you'll make it, don't worry. 

If you do get very low in the winter months, you may want to consider that you could have seasonal-affective-disorder, which is a medical condition characterised by depression, generally thought to be caused by a lack of sunlight in the winter. Just something to consider though, if you get very bad every year.

Obviously, I am not a professional, or a doctor or anything like that. These are just my tips after having suffered from depression for many years now. For more information on depression and mental health, please check some of these links out, as they give better advice than nearly anyone ever could: Samaritans, the NHS, Childline and the Mental Health Foundation. (I don't really rate Mind after they endorsed some problematic stuff, but they do have some good advice on the matter.) Also, if you are worried about anything else to do with your mental health, please seek the advice of a GP.