as close to clean as it gets: raw vegan chocolate bars

I've discovered my new favourite treats, and they're these delicious little bars. They feel like a cross between a flapjack, tiffin or caramel shortbread - but they're nowhere near as decadent as that! 

For more pictures and the recipe, keep reading;

on losing weight: meal planning

Planning meals when you're trying to eat well is really hard, I don't know how those of your that have kids, do it. I am very lucky in that I still live at home (well, most days I think this is lucky, haha) and my mum does a lot of the cooking. My mum and me are both trying to get a bit healthier again this year, and so we're trying to eat better, plan ahead, shop smarter, etc. All those things that you are told and you know that you should do, but it's hard to find the time and energy to do.

When I'm cooking and planning solely for myself, I really suck at it. I never take lists, never plan meals and I find myself going to the shops practically every day, which no-one really wants to do, do they? The worst thing is working in a supermarket, I always end up picking up a few bits and pieces after work each shift. And yeah, sometimes I get amazing bargains I'll admit (like half a kilo of monkfish for £4!), but I didn't really need those flat nectarines that although were reduced, weren't that cheap, really.

So I thought I would give you a few of my tips that I've picked up over the last year and a bit...

GET THE CALENDAR OUT; Me and mum will get the calendar and look at what nights everyone will eat together, etc, then plan meals accordingly. This way, if I'm working late or might be home late, I won't have to think about what to cook. If you're cooking for a family, try and figure out if there are nights when not everyone will be there and plan to what people like.

DECIDE ON MEALS; Look at what you've eaten recently, and space out certain dishes throughout the week. In my family, we tend to get bit bored if we eat similar things too often, though this doesn't bother me as much as my mum. The same goes for lunches. If you don't mind eating the same salad three days in a row, stock up on the same thing. If you know you get bored, change it up each day. We eat a lot of chicken and beef mince in our house, so try and space it out so you don't get bored. I also like to try and have a vegetarian meal a few times a week.

THE INTERNET IS YOUR FRIEND; If you are at a loss of what to cook, like I was one day last week when all I had was a sweet potato in the fridge and a bag of salad, I just started inputting things into google and came out with a meal. There are so many healthy eating blogs and websites out there, you don't need to be good at thinking up interesting meals because someone has done that for you. Also, get out your recipe book! I stick loads of recipes I get from Waitrose Kitchen, their weekend paper, from supermarket recipe cards in there, then forget about them, so I need to work on this one myself!

WASTE LESS, SHOP SMARTER; Cut down on food waste and stop buying extra that you're tempted to eat. When we've decided what to cook for each night, we make another list next to each meal and make a note of what we need to buy or what we already have in. If you need rice, check you've enough. If you need meat or poultry, make a note of the date, so when you're in the supermarket, you know it will last until when you need it.

BEWARE THE BARGAINS; Stay away from the reduced stock at supermarkets. Like I said above - sometimes you can find really good bargains. However, I always find these throw a spanner in the works. Suddenly you have to shift things around to make the space for this bargain and the healthy meal you planned gets pushed back or never cooked. 

MAKE EXTRA FOOD; This is something I did a lot more when I lived on my own, but I would often make big batches of things like chilli or soup and either freeze it, or store it in containers in the fridge for lunches. It helps if there are back-up options if you don't feel like making anything, and stops you reaching for junk food or the telephone...

GET CREATIVE WITH LEFTOVERS; This sort of ties into the above rule, but sometimes if you make extra of something like spaghetti bolognese, you can use the meat and sauce for a chilli the next day for dinner. Add some kidney beans and make a little rice and it's pretty easy. 

PREPARE LUNCHES: When I was at uni I'd nearly always take leftover dinner for lunch the next day, and it takes the guesswork out of your lunch. Prepping your lunch the night before is one of the best thing I learnt to do at university. After tidying up from cooking, I put whatever leftovers or food I was planning on having into a container and it's ready for the next morning. Now I'm working I've become a giant fan of Marks & Spencer's' healthy ready meals for when I want hot food - they're nearly always on offer, high in protein and low in carbs, and taste really good.

TAKE YOUR LIST WITH YOU!; Lastly - don't forget your list when you go shopping! When you've written your list, snap a picture on your phone. I pretty much never leave my phone at home, but nearly always forget my list it seems, so that way all your careful planning hasn't gone to waste. 

All that said, there is obviously nothing wrong with just getting a takeaway in or going out for dinner; some fitness blogs and make it sound like one pizza is going to ruin all your progress. Really, it doesn't. I mean, eating it two or three times a week won't help, but really, what is one night in a month, or six months? 

I know it's pretty easy for me to sit here and say this, but I've been doing all this and I've lost a lot of weight! It was a lot easier when I worked part-time, but I'm still managing now I'm working 39 hours a week. Hopefully a few of my tips can help - let me know if you have any other ideas that I might not know or might not have included.

For more of my On Losing Weight series, click here!

healthy choc-chip cookie alternative: avocado, banana + chocolate cookie recipe

As you may or may not know, I am trying to eat 'sugar-free' for lent. This is flexible, though, I give myself the weekends off, in that if I want to eat white flour or what have you, I'll do it on these days and it's really just a kick up the bum I needed to get my eating habits way back on track. I've lost about 6lbs since starting! Because of this, I have been trying really hard to keep away from cakes, and sugary things, but occasionally, I crave a sweet, cake-like something. 

I scoured blogs, Pinterest, Instagram and websites for some lower-sugar sweet treats, and I'm building a good repertoire. I've got some excellent oat and apple flapjack bars and some whole-wheat banana bread that I'll be sharing soon, but after posting these on Instagram, I got a few requests to share you, so I'm going with this one first!

Anyway, a few notes on these cookies... They are good. However, I personally only really loved them when they were fresh out of the oven and all melty inside. The original post I adapted this recipe from said she preferred them out of the fridge - and to me this made the cookies too thick and a bit claggy - but my mum loved them like this! So who knows, you should definitely try them and see what you think. I love them hot, with a dollop of creme fraiche or some vanilla ice-cream...

INGREDIENTS:
- 1 medium avocado
- 1 medium sized banana
- 1 egg
- 1 tbsp of honey, or more or less, depending on how sweet you like your cookies
- 50g of dark chocolate, chopped into chunks (I used 90% cocoa solids)
- 1/2 cup of cocoa powder (about 60g)
- 1/2 tsp baking soda

1. Preheat oven to 175C/350F/Gas Mark 4.
2. Mash a ripe avocado and banana in a bowl, then use a hand mixer (or you can do it in a food processor) to make the mixture as smooth as possible, I found a wooden spoon didn't quite cut it.
3. Add the egg and honey, and mix well with hand mixer or processor.
4. Add the cocoa powder and baking soda, and mix in with a spoon.
5. Stir in chocolate chunks with a spoon, and then I put my mixture in the fridge for 10 minutes, as it was a bit sloppy to handle, well.
6. Dollop spoonfuls onto a lined baking tray, I used an ice-cream scoop that I use for cupcakes, etc. The recipe I based this on said it yielded 10 cookies. I managed to get 9 pretty decent sized cookies. You could make them smaller and get more.
7. Bake for 10 minutes, the cookies will go sort of shiny on top, and the aren't as wet looking any more. They are very dark, almost black cookies, so it's hard to tell how they're cooking, so keep an eye on them!
8. Remove, allow to cool and go a bit more solid, before transferring to a wire rack to cool completely.
9. Store in the fridge, and eat with a glass of milk, obviously!

Some notes on the original recipe from The Smoothie Lover: I have no idea where I would even get coconut sugar, so in the notes she says you can use banana instead, so I went with that. After tasting it, though, I found that the mixture was kind of bitter for me, so added the honey as well, and this combination is perfect! I am considering trying them with no avocado next time, and just two bananas.
I also normally wouldn't advocate the use of a hand-mixer, but I found it was hard to get the mixture smooth with just a spoon, so I would recommend it, or a food processor, etc.

I had lots of requests on Instagram for the recipe, so let me know what you think or share with me if you try this out... I'd love to see what you thought of them!

couch to 5k - week 3 review

You might be sick of these posts by now - who knows? If you are, please tell me, and I'll space them out more, but I am really enjoying writing them, and really enjoying the running, too! After this week, I've had some real problems with my knee hurting me, so I'm going to postpone the running until after I've seen the doctor (which I'll be doing on Thursday) before starting week four, and hopefully the bit of a rest will help it, too. 

RUN 1: 8/2/15, 2.2M, cold with a bright sun, clear and a bit of wind.
I was very apprehensive about this run. Running for 3 minutes sounded really hard, when I'd just been able to run for 1.5minutes this week! I set out though, telling myself to just try. The first run is 90 seconds. I loved that 90 seconds! I don't know if I overdid it, but I felt like my body was craving that run, so it was good fun. The first 3 minute run was a tough, but I ran all the way to the end without stopping. The next 3 minutes, was a lot less fun. I got through all the way to the end, even if I did pull my phone out and count down the seconds until I had to stop! Haha. My pace was much quicker than my last run in the ice, for obvious reasons. So all in all, I was a bit of a high this morning, and felt so bloody proud of myself!

RUN 2: 14/2/15, 9.45am, 2.4M, warm (for February!) and sunny, clear and bright.
I felt a bit queasy in the morning, so put of running until I felt up to it, and thought I would take it easy. The walk was fine, and the first 1.5min run, then I had some headphone issues and kept missing the cues to start running or walking, which really annoyed me! Powered through the first 3 minutes, and the second 1.5min run.. Then I realised that I forgot to turn of my Whatsapp and thought a message was the cue to start running, so I think I did a bit more than 3 mins on the second run. I also felt like I kept starting and stopping during my run, so I decided to run a bit on the cool down walk, which is on actual streets! I normally hate people seeing me run, so I felt so brave! I much preferred it too, so I think for my next run I'm going to try and run on the roads/streets and see how that goes...I also bought some new trainers to try out on my next run!

RUN 3: 15/2/15, 8am, 2.2M, cool and foggy.
I ran on the roads for the first time! I ran quicker, today, but found it much harder, not finishing either of the 3 minute runs, which really annoyed me. Not sure if it's because where I normally run is very flat, and this was more hilly, or what, but it was tough. I enjoyed the change, though. New trainers were very comfy, though. 

Thoughts at the end of the week? 
Definitely going to repeat this run at some point in the week, hopefully. Had to work all weekend, which has really pissed me off, cause I won't be able to run until Friday now! 

Weight loss? 
Nope, nothing, na-da. ): 

couch to 5k - week 2 review

I did this this for Week 1, and here is Week 2! I had said I might re-do week 2, but Jenny told me to just give it a try, and it went really well! I'm enjoying getting out in the fresh air (even though it's freezing most days) and I think the extra cardio in my fitness routine is doing me good. Anyway, here is the run down...

RUN 1: 25/01/2015, 9am, frozen ground, a bit cloudy, a bit windy, brightening up towards end of run.
As I said in my last post, I had my concerns about being able to do week 2, if I hadn't run for the whole 8 minutes. However, I attempted it and did really well! I think I actually quite enjoyed today's run, weirdly. Missed one of the intervals because I was fiddling with my headphones, so actually replayed it instead of just cheating myself and giving up, so feel really proud of myself for that. Had a bit of an ache in my hip from the previous runs, but I made sure to do a good few stretches when I got home and hopefully that will help.

RUN 2: 01/02/2015, 9.45am, 2.36 miles, cloudy with a bit of sun, two degrees and very windy.
I was actually really looking forward to todays run, I'm annoyed that I didn't manage to go at all this week because it's been snowing. It was SO cold out and very windy but I'm proud of myself for running the whole 9 minutes. I was actually really getting into it, even though I felt kind of sick at the end, I didn't look to see how far through I was until I was on the very last run, so obviously my stamina is improving! Breathed better this week, and had less muscle pain (none in my hamstrings!), just the same ache in my hip, that I need to work on stretching out.

RUN 3: 04/02/2015, 8.30am, 2.32 miles, very cold and cloudy, icy ground with some snow. 
The ground was very icy and I slipped several times (no falls though, my balance is improving!) so I had to go very slow. My time per mile was awful, but at least I went! I ran through all 9 minutes of it with a lot more ease this morning. Hip still ached post-run, no hamstring problems anymore.

Thoughts at the end of the week?
Need to research some better stretches for my hip, as nothing seems to be helping it. I also have a reoccurring pain in my knee that I've had for years (and attributed to be overweight) that I want to get seen too, as it feels like I've got a lump of cartilage or something where I shouldn't have... Also worried about being able to do week 3, but my lovely friend Tara is encouraging me on Instagram, so are my friends and family, so hopefully I can keep on going!

Weight lost?
A tentative 3lbs, that I'm mostly attributing to last week when I ate better. I feel like I look thinner though in the mirror, particularly around my hips/bum/lower stomach where I hold a lot of weight. I posted a little picture of my progress over on my Instagram, if you're interested! 

Well I feel like I'm making some progress, even if my last run was painfully slow. Finally got my GPS tracker working, so I can see the sort of miles and speed that I'm doing. Got myself some new tops and stuff to run in, invested in an Under-Armour t-shirt and an Addidas vest, so now I've got some options. I'm also thinking about getting myself some better shoes, still, going to check out a running shop this week or next to look into it.

Are you doing couch to 5k?! How is it going? Please share your story below, I need inspiration and motivation! 

on losing weight: getting back on track after christmas

green thai chicken curry/soup - chinese style salmon with veg and rice
tomato, spinach and cheese pasta bake - potato, kale, bean and pearl barley soup

I always think it's a pretty harsh thing to do to yourself, after christmas, to be super strict with your eating and health habits. There is no love lost between me and January - it's a month of bad memories and bad weather, why would I enjoy it? To me, I can't think of anything worse than going from the lovely, indulgent time at Christmas, when really, the weather isn't as bad, to the harsh daylight of the new year, with no nice food and forcing yourself to get in the gym every night.., Basically, you all need to be easier on yourselves! 

I really struggle with my depression at this time of year, it's generally not a fun time of the year for me, but like I posted about in my 8 tips on beating January blues post, I'm trying to be nicer to myself, and look after myself mentally. One of the things that I find really helps that, is really good, home-cooked foods to keep your energy levels up, as well as making small efforts to keep your mood up, which then in turn, make you want to get out more, exercise more, etc.

So I'm not going to rant on about the benefits of slogging it out in the gym, thought I have found myself weirdly enjoying my runs, nor am I going to extoll the virtues of skinny veg super green smoothies everyone seems to be obsessed with at the moment (guess it was all those nutri-bullets people got for Christmas?!). I just think you should make yourself some really good food. Get out for walks when you can, don't pay attention to the scales, don't chuck out all your excess Christmas cheese and chocolate (work through it, for sure - just.. in moderation!). 

I thought I would show you how my week looked earlier this month to give you a clue on how I break down my fitness and food habits:

FRIDAY 16TH:
Gym AM, run PM.
Chicken, sweetcorn and potato wedges for lunch, green thai chicken curry for dinner. Some chocolate raisins as a snack in the evening.

SATURDAY 17TH:
Yoghurt and a peach for breakfast, halloumi and pitta bread for lunch, healthy shepherd's pie for dinner.

SUNDAY 18TH:
Run AM.
Meet a friend for lunch and had pasta with chicken, chinese style salmon and stir fry veg with a small amount of rice for dinner, snack on popcorn in the evening.

MONDAY 19TH:
Gym AM.
Toast and banana for lunch, vegetable, bean, kale and pearl barley soup for dinner with rice pudding.

TUESDAY 20TH:
Gym PM.
Blueberry muffin for breakfast, leftover vegetable soup for lunch. Spinach, tomato and mozzarella pasta bake for dinner. Probably some dessert but I don't remember! 

WEDNESDAY 21ST:
No gym, no run, but I did walk about London a lot and only took the tube once.
Full fat greek yoghurt for breakfast, a mountain of pitta breads and houmous for lunch with some lamb koftas, and just a chocolate pot for dinner because I was still full. (My most unhealthy day!)

THURSDAY 22ND:
Full fat greek yoghurt for breakfast, low fat M&S; chicken curry ready-meal for lunch, spiced chicken with sweetcorn for dinner and some cake.

FRIDAY 23RD:
Full fat greek yoghurt for breakfast, soup for lunch with a crusty roll (and a naughty bit of cheesecake, shh), mum's homemade and slightly healthier version of lasagne for dinner.

As you can see I started off the week well, but then it sort of tailed off towards Friday, when I went back to work after a few days and just sort of felt a bit rubbish. I have had a good mixture of healthy food and some decadent snacks and stuff, and I did a lot of exercise at the beginning of the week to make up for my lack of it later in the week, I feel like. 

I've lost a bit of weight, not much, but I'm not that fussed by it, I'ts been a particularly miserable week with early morning arctic temperature (-7 degrees!) and having to de-ice my car after work at 8.30pm in the evening, so I'm not punishing myself by eating nothing but stripped back salads and lean protein. I'm allowed myself some treats and trying to get lots of healthy, well balanced meals in wherever possible!

The rest of the On Losing Weight series can be found here!

couch to 5k - week 1 in review

(Run 2 vs Run 3!)

One of my new year resolutions was to take up running. I had a friend at uni who was really into running, and I always sort of envied her. I love walking and being outside, and I really just wanted to be able to go for a run somedays, if I felt like it. I've lost six stone, and improved my fitness in the gym, so I wanted to try my hand outdoors...

I wasn't expecting it to be as hard as it was - it seems to use completely different muscles to running inside, and it's harder to breathe, and I feel like I'm 6 stone heavier again..! I'm documenting this here, because hopefully one day I'll be able to run 5k, and I'll have this as a record. Some other people may be on the fence about starting running, like I was, or overweight and wondering if they can do it.. well maybe this will give you some inspiration!

RUN 1: 11/5/2015, 1pm on a Sunday afternoon, windy and overcast. 

I think I only ran for about 4.5 minutes in total, and I found that pretty tough. Slightly hungover today. Fast-paced walked where I couldn't run. That afternoon my shoulders ached and the back of my thighs/bum. Next day, my thighs still ache and my hips and knees a bit.

RUN 2: 16/01/2015, 12.30pm on Friday lunchtime, cool, but bright and sunny.
I managed better this time around, running for 6.5 minutes in total, out of 8. I fast-paced walked where I couldn't walk, but with the sun I felt warmer so I don't know if I was as fast as on Sunday (when it was freezing and trying to keep warm!). I'd been to the gym early in the morning and my legs were a bit achey, made sure to do lots of stretches when I got back because  after the last run I seized up! Aiming to do my next run on Sunday or Monday, weather depending. Later that day, I am much less stiff.

RUN 3: 18/01/2015, 10am on Sunday, cold, drizzle, windy, miserable.
I bought myself some new gear this weekend, and it makes me feel so fly. Running tights and a jacket, it seemed to help as I was faffing less with my clothes. A lot of dogs out, some not being controlled by the owner, which pissed me off so I managed a good 7 minutes of running on that anger (maybe a bit longer, I tried a new app and couldn't hear it very well, I only walked 1 interval, though). I looked up lots of hamstring stretches and did those post-run and I feel much better, only my left hamstring is tight now, but I have some muscular pain in my hip. 

Thoughts at the end of the week:
I think I'm going to repeat maybe another couple of Week 1 runs, to make sure I can run the 8 minutes, before moving on to the Week 2, as I don't want to, excuse the pun, run before I can walk! My homework for the week is to look up some more stretches and try and improve my flexibility. Going to look at investing in some better shoes as I had soaked feet by the time I got home on Sunday.

Weight loss?
Just under 2lbs! 

I'm not sure how long I'll keep up the couch to 5k plan, I'll be honest, but I am going to give it my best shot! I feel like my body wasn't meant to run, but maybe that will improve. It was one of my goals for this year, to at least give it a go, and I've started! I reckon I won't be able to do all the runs in one week, so I'm a bit iffy about that, but I'm gonna try and stick to it as closely as possible.

If anyone else is trying this plan, please let me know, I'd love someone to talk about this crap with - particularly if you're a complete beginner like me! I also want to post a picture every time I run on Instagram, so follow me there, too!

on losing weight: one year on, six stone lighter

A year ago, today, I made the decision to lose weight - I knew I'd gained a lot of weight over Christmas, so on the 1st of January I made a 'resolution' to try and get a bit fitter, but I sort of felt at the back of my mind that it wouldn't really stick. Stupid, I know. But then I had one of those 'light-bulb moments' - I was on a mini-break in Scotland with my friend, and I was struggling to keep up with her. I kept blaming it on my shoes, on the cobbles, on the Edinburgh hills, but really it was my bad health and I just wanted to be able to do the things that she did so easily. 

I've had a life-long struggle with weight which I've started to document here, but something about this realisation felt pretty permanent. I made a note to myself, on my phone, that I have saved to this day, on the 12th of January at 23:59PM, that was a little reminder of how shit I felt, about my health, and how I needed to do something about it.

The next day, I came home from Edinburgh and I joined my local Curves gym - I'd been there before, and I really enjoy the women-only nature of it all, and how it suits my lifestyle - a 30 minute work-out is easy to fit in, the girls there are so lovely and genuine, and there is just no judgement involved. I've ventured into regular gyms before, and I won't lie, I don't like being around men in that environment, it makes me uncomfortable. Me and my mum got out our recipe books, and sat down and made plans, talked about what we could have for lunch and how to keep motivated, how to make our own recipes healthier. I didn't stop baking, either, there's been plenty of that on this blog this year!

But, somehow, all of it worked...

I say that like I shed 6-stone overnight, which I in no-way did, and I'm still losing weight now, still want to lose a lot more. But I'm still sort of shocked, I'll be honest, that I enjoy eating healthier and losing weight, that yesterday I willingly went for a run in the freezing cold wind with a bit of a hangover...

It's really hard work, but it's really interesting also, to see how your body changes and your strength improves, how your attitudes towards things change, and how you realise you can do a lot more than you ever thought you could. My first run yesterday was horrible and so bad, and I had to walk a lot of it, but I think about that first work-out I did when I got back from Scotland and how I was so red and sweaty and unable to move the next day, from something that is now just part of my routine... and I think maybe in another year, I'll be able to run a 5k. In 2 years I'll be to run a 10k, or more. In 3 years I could be so freaking strong, I could be a machine! Just kidding, sort of, but hopefully you get the point!

So, if you think that new years resolutions don't work, or that you could never make that big of a lifestyle change and have it stick, then maybe rethink that shit, because it's so fucking cool to know what your body can do and to learn your limits.

The rest of the On Losing Weight series can be found here!

[Side note: I know these pictures aren't the best before and after photos, but this isn't really about that. Also, this isn't even an after photo, it's just a photo of me, a bit less heavy and a lot healthier! And I know that these kind of photos can be triggering, so I apologise for that, too. I'm also making a very stupid face in the second photo, but I wanted to get this post up, and also, do you like my new sweater? Got it in the sale!]

on losing weight: christmas bonus

I've been posting this On Losing Weight series about once a month now, for the last few months, and I'm really loving it. I think I've started to bore people with my constant talking about fat and sugar and protein and weight and all sorts of things that are interesting to me because this has become my life.. So I really enjoy nattering on about it here with you guys, and I love your support. I think the January edition will be a super emotional version of On Losing Weight as I'll have been on this journey for a year, but I want to talk about that giant elephant in the room in your weight-loss-plan that is Christmas.

Obviously, you're gonna want to stuff your face at Christmas. And I mean, why wouldn't you? (Except for the fact I am in crippling pain just looking at that fucking wheel of brie, thanks gall-stones.) It's all so good. Goose-fat roast potatoes, pot-roast beef, the chocolate, the cheese, the biscuits and crackers, the sausage rolls and the smoked salmon and cream cheese blinis, the homemade croissants... And I haven't even told you about all the wine, yet.

I have been watching my weight for pretty much a whole year, with the odd exception of weekends and meals out, I've been calorie counting every day, and gym-bound most days, too. So I am having a break, basically. Last week, I decided that I am not going to weight myself until Boxing Day, because I know a few pounds have crept back on. But when you've lost as much as I have, not even going mental at the cheese counter in Waitrose can make me gain all that weight back.

However, my one bit of advice (other than recommending that you go all Bruce Bogtrotter with a bowl of stuffing) is to just take it easy the rest of the time. Like I am telling you to go mad because it's Christmas, and if a western Christmas isn't about decadence, then what is it good for? (I'm joking, but you get the point.) Christmas only happens once, so drink what you like at the Christmas party, go out with your friends for dinner and have a starter, main and dessert and an alcoholic drink. Just maybe, be a bit stricter with yourself in the morning and at lunch; maybe try and resist those chocolates in the office or don't eat the whole bit of cheese...

I wish I could offer you some life-changing tip for keeping on track at this time of year, but really I don't have them. I mean, I'm enabling my whole family and making all-butter croissants for Christmas morning, so I'm not really a giant advocate for a healthy Christmas. And that is my point. My mum laughed at me the other day and said when you fall off the wagon, Clare, you really fall off. She meant it as a joke, but it's true, I've completely gone against all my hard work, but I don't really give a fuck. I don't mind gaining back a few pounds here and there because I know I am more than capable of losing it again!

All other On Losing Weight articles can be found here!

winter walks

The weekend we found out that my grandmother wasn't going to get any better, I dragged myself out for a brisk walk around the lake. Looking back now, it was probably the last good autumn day we had, right before the quick descent into frosty mornings, dark evenings and wet afternoons. 

I never thought I would be one of those people that looks forward to exercise. What I didn't know as a chubby thirteen-year-old is that just because I didn't enjoy rounders in my PE kit, meant that I would hate all exercise, ever; really, I just hadn't found the thing I did enjoy. After a sad weekend cooped up in a car and feeling useless about things, I just knew I needed to do something. 

Maybe it is something to do with my need for control, but I felt like things were more manageable after getting air in my lungs. Maybe it's that when everything feels out of my hands, I can go and do something that I have decided on. Maybe, it is just that the ache in my limbs means I sleep more soundly, but whatever it is, it works, and I'm okay with that. It's hard to drag myself to a gym, at 5pm after work on a Monday night when it's icy cold, wet and rainy, but I am so much happier when I've been and I need to keep telling myself that. 

on losing weight: fashion + clothes (etc)

What I want to talk about today is clothes. I used to post a bit of fashion-related stuff on my blog, back in the day, but as I've got older, I've found that I care less about what I wear, in general, as long as it's clean..

Finding clothes to fit me is something I think I'll always struggle with - as I'm not your average size, height-wise. I was talking to my brothers girlfriend recently, she's much slimmer than me, but we're about the same height, and she struggles to find trousers to fit her properly, so much so that she makes her own. So, I can't see my struggles improving in that department...

But recently since I've been losing weight, I've started caring again about what I wear. I'm not going to go crazy and buy all the clothes you see in Topshop because I'm really not that 'on trend', but I've got really into basics (exciting, I know). For example, I never used to wear jeans, now I'm on the hunt for a really good pair of them. (I was so pissed when I found out Topshop had replaced GAP in my local mall!)

Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent. I thought I'd talk about the pros and cons of finding clothes to wear - post-weight-loss.

THE BAD:

• Buying clothes in the middle of your weight-loss journey is an awkward one. Back in May/June I bought a lot of new clothes. I'd lost a lot of weight, it was my birthday, I want to look nice, etc. I got several pairs of new jeans, a few dresses.. I'm now almost 40lbs lighter. Just over a month ago, I got a new pair of jeans (a cheap pair from F+F as I'd learnt my lesson this time around) and, you've guessed it, they're too big now. I mean thats exciting, but it's not cheap. Be smart, if you think you're going to be losing more weight, wait. It'll save you money in the long run. 
• Finding your current wardrobe doesn't suit you anymore is tricky, too. I used to be a fan of oversized baggy everything, hiding all my stomach and my arms and my thighs and anything that I didn't like. Now that I'm a bit more confident, all those clothes swamp me, and I look the same size I did before. It's a shame, one of my old-favourite shirts is just unwearable because it's too big now.
• On a similar theme, re-learning my ~personal style~ is something I am still doing. I used to try and cover up everything I hated, but now I am happy wearing things a bit more close-fitting, but I'm not really sure what. I can't give you many pointers here, because I'm still in the midst of it, but I'm hoping that I'll get better along the way.

THE GOOD:

• Finding little things about your new body that look good in clothes, is one of my recent favourite things. After trying on thousands of pairs of jeans, I've found that some make my bum look pretty good. And then I stop and think about that thought, that shit, my bum can look good in jeans. 
• Whilst trying to figure out your new style is difficult, it can also be really fun. Clothes that you thought weren't options for you are now suddenly available, which is really fucking fun. I've been trying on all manner of random clothes when I go out shopping these days, to get an idea of what I like and what I don't like.
• It's really amazing to be able to walk into a regular clothing store and know you'll find your size. (Well, most of the time that is. I was in a New Look the other week and found they didn't stock in-store above a size 12, what the fuck is that about, New Look?) 
• Feeling more confident, generally. I spend a lot less time worrying about whether my shirt is too tight and clinging to bits I don't want, etc, because theres less bits that I don't want on show. It's exhausting, worrying about things like that constantly, and it's mad how much energy it takes up. 
• Caring less generally, about what people think of my fashion choices, too. I used to worry that people were thinking if I wore a certain item of clothing (how dare that fat girl wear leggings, leggings are not for fat people, for example, is something I overheard once). I think this comes with growing up and giving zero fucks about life, also.

This doesn't mean that I don't have tantrums about clothes not fitting, like any other human being (well, mostly the women, I suppose) out there but things are improving for me..

All other On Losing Weight articles can be found here!

on losing weight: compliments, self worth + other people

Listening to others is hard, generally, but harder when you're trying to do something for yourself, and for you only. When people compliment me on my weight-loss, I face a tricky dilemma, because on one hand, I want to take their compliments and show them off to everyone like a shiny little badge of honour - when someone tells me I look like I've lost weight I want to jump up and down, sometimes, I want to shout to everyone "LOOK, LOOK AT ME, I CAN DO THIS!"

But then I have a little think, a split second to remember that this is exactly what causes the problem anyway, this problem of worrying what other people think, I've placed too much importance on what every passing stranger thinks.

So, internally, I am trying to get away from that happiness that is caused by other peoples compliments (and in turn, their insults). In my head, in these situations, you have two choices; engage, or disengage.

Disengaging yourself from the conversation is a tricky one. There are situations where it's awkward to bluntly lay it out, like, "This is none of your business." At work, for example, you might have to see people all the time, so you can't tell them to fuck off, no matter how much you may want to! A polite smile, nod, and a change of conversation is generally the best course of action, in my book. I am well practised these days at the fine art of changing the subject, and evading the question, but if it keeps my health (physically and mentally) intact, I'm not afraid to do it.

If they push, have a well rehearsed answer. I get the "So how did you do it?" quite a lot, and its human curiosity (and stupidity?), I suppose. If they are that awful kind of person that won't take a hint (we all know one of those) then don't be afraid to say, "Sorry, I'd rather not talk about it." There is a woman I work with who brings up "just how fat I was" everytime I bump into her. It's a shitty thing for her to do, but she's a shitty person. I'm getting better with the sarcastic comebacks, as apparently, it's how she gets a fucking clue.

There are also those people that make comments on what you're eating/your weight/whatever they feel like taking shots at that day. As a rule, I don't ever engage with these people. I think they're dicks, straight up. Generally, it is never your place to comment on how much or how little someone is eating, as you don't know their personal situation and you're probably not their doctor - if this is you, stop it! I'm still pretty overweight, yes, but occasionally I allow myself treats, it's not a criminal act, but you wouldn't know it from the looks I got digging into a burger and chips in Bill's the other week..

On the other hand, engaging is a can of worms in itself, but I have a few main questions I ask myself, when someone says, "Wow, have you lost some weight?"

Do I trust them? Generally, this is my first thought. A starting point, a place to work from is your relationship with that person in the first place. I have a list of people in my head (lol, issues, I know) of people I know I can talk to about my weight loss. They might not be the best of friends, or people that I've known for that long (or they might be) - some of them are family, and some of those people I definitely don't trust are family. You know, deep down, whether you can have a frank conversation about the struggles of losing weight, or whether you think a compliment is genuine, or not, so trust that gut instinct.

Am I in the right place mentally to discuss this today? The second thing I have to consider is my general mood. Some days, I just cannot entertain that conversation, simply put. I might have lost two pounds that week, and still not be in a good place to discuss it. If I am feeling like this, you have to have the strength to just shut that conversation down. On one of my darker days (weeks/months!) I cannot talk about it. I might still have gone to the gym that day or eaten healthily, but regardless, I cannot look outside that bubble I'm in to see my progress, and having to fake-smile a way through a conversation about 'how good you look, now' is a hard thing to do. I'll obsess over the details, like if they said now, what does that mean? Like I looked shit before? It's just asking for trouble, in my book.

What are my boundaries? This is obviously different for everyone, and even for me, they differ from person to person that I know. With most people, I cannot talk numbers. I can say I've lost five and half stone, but I can't say what my highest weight is, or where I want to be - mostly because these are triggers for me, so I steer clear of talking about that with pretty much anyone.

Obviously, this could all seem very over the top for people that don't have these kind of mental triggers - but even if you don't I hope you understand where I'm coming from! Everything is a learning curve, but I am slowly learning to separate my self-worth from other peoples opinions of me. I don't want a bad day to be because some random fucking person thought I looked fat. I don't want to cause a binge because someone thought I ate too much. On the flipside of that, I also don't want to only feel good about myself when someone tosses me a compliment like a scrap to a dog - I don't think that is a healthy way to live!

All other On Losing Weight articles can be found here!

on losing weight: workout clothes

I was going to write about maintaining momentum with your weight loss journey - about ways to keep you motivated. However, sometimes when you start writing, you realise that's not what your brain wants to write about, today.

So, workout gear. Obviously, you can go to to the gym in anything you want as long as it makes you go: sweats and t-shirts are just as good as the fanciest things you can buy - but in my experience, if you buy yourself some nice clothes or fancy trainers, it gives you a reason to go. Back in January I got myself some decent yoga pants (not the creepy see-through kind) and a fairly decent sports bra, I already had some trainers, but I felt like these were the important things. Everything else could wait, I thought, to see how well I'd stick this out. Over the last eight months, I have built up a collection of things that I thought I would talk about here...

Trainers: After six months of going to the gym at least four days a week I decided to treat myself to some proper trainers. I got myself some Nike Free Runs - which probably aren't necessary, considering what I use them for.. However, they stop me from turning my ankles over as much, and because they're cushioned, they're so comfortable. Plus, they're bright blue and fluorescent yellow. This shouldn't be a factor, but I basically live in an all black uniform, so injecting colour with shoes like this makes me happy. 

Leggings: Personally, I don't like wearing the super skinny kind of leggings, as I'm pretty tall and find that they're never long enough. I actually managed to find a pair similar to these from H+M, which I really love: they're long enough (which being almost five eleven is a difficult ask!) and fit really well around the waist and are made of a nice material. As a bigger girl, I know how hard it is to find comfortable trousers to fit you, so I would try anywhere and everywhere - I've found nice ones in Tesco, Marks & Spencers, TK Maxx, Decathlon, H+M, often in places that I wouldn't normally shop. Websites aimed at plus-size women actually have a pretty poor selection, I've found.

Tops: Like I said above, I used to just go in a t-shirt, most of the time, which I think is more than fine. As I've got a bit thinner, though, I've been enjoying more fitted, lycra vests, usually in bright colours or with bright trim. I also am guilty of wearing a thin vest over a brightly coloured crop top. This is where you can have more fun and pick really bright things, if you like that, or stick to tried-and-true black.

Sports bras: This is more of a tricky one to advise you on - as it's a personal thing about what kind of bra you need. I have fairly average size boobs for my frame, but that's still pretty big (a D cup) so I need something with a lot of support. I like buying those flimsy little brightly coloured crop-tops, but they don't have anywhere near enough support, so I would probably wear my regular sports bra underneath. John Lewis have a good selection of high impact sports bras, I know Bravissimo have them for the larger chested lady, and M&S have good affordable options.

Water bottle: A friend of my mothers jokingly made fun of me for having a 'fashionable' water bottle - but she is a serious-cyclist. I, however, am not. Going to the gym once a day doesn't require a fancy water bottle, but I do like to have a big one, as I get dehydrated easily. I like the Aladdin reusable bottles that you can find in places like Tesco (or sometimes TK Maxx) because they have the little fabric handle that is very convenient.


That turned into a long post! If you have any tips, feel free to share down below, I love finding new things.
For more weight-loss related posts, be sure to follow on Bloglovin, or check out my previous post on the subject here.

on losing weight

I've been mulling over the decision to talk about my weight-loss on U+T. I've mentioned it here and there, and have had a few questions about it on Twitter, so thought I would write a bit of an introduction. I guess it's mostly for myself, but I want to write more about this part of my life on my blog, and I wanted to make it clear that this hasn't been an easy ride. I think a lot of the blogs and articles I read want everything to look like some beautifully curated Pinterest photos of healthy food (I admit, I'm guilty of that too) - but mental illness and struggles with food can often go hand in hand, and although the extreme end of eating disorders (like anorexia and bulimia) are often talked about, other kinds of eating problems are glossed over (particularly if you are anything but underweight). I still walk a fine line between happy and depressed, between obsessing over food and being aware that you need to eat healthily, and that's something I'll always have to deal with.
So that all said, take everything I say from here out with a big pinch of salt - I am no expert, obviously.. I'd also like to ask you to be respectful in the comments (if you decide to read this mammoth post and comment) as I know weight can upset people easily.

+ + +

I think in order to understand how I got to be the weight that I was, I have to explain that I've always had a strange relationship with my body. It's always been an other to me. It was something other people talked about, made fun of, or touched (whether I wanted them to, or not) and I just never felt like it was a part of me. When you are a young teenager and you are very sad all of the time, you spend a lot of time with other people discussing you as though you're not there. Your body and your mind become this thing that is everyone's business and suddenly the only thing you will always have, your body, becomes something public, that doesn't belong to you any longer. Because you are so young and desperately sad, your choices are taken away from you, and you don't get to have a say in it anymore, because other people know what is best for you. (It's not that I regret the things other people decided for me, I can definitively say that I would not be here today if it wasn't for the actions of my parents and doctors - however, these are thing you only appreciate in hindsight, ten years later.)

I think that because I went through a hard time when I was a young teenager - in the years when you begin to understand things about yourself - that gave me a strange relationship with food, and eating. When I was younger and some difficult things happened - I thought it was because I was too fat, that those things might not have happened if I were thinner. I stopped eating for periods (a very, very, very stupid thing to do) and would binge on junk-food when I was alone - like it made it okay if no-one else saw me do it. I did a lot of silly things at that time of my life: to put it simply, I could control what went in and out of my mouth and I could control pain, when I couldn't control anything else around me.

I got a bit better, mentally, after a few long and hard years, and my eating returned to 'normal'. It wasn't healthy eating, but I didn't really care, because I was having fun, being at art college and in my first year of university where everyone was sort of crazy anyway so I didn't feel so singled out. It wasn't my little sixth-form where everyone knew everyone and everyone knew me as the girl that cried all the time. And at that time, I wasn't in full-time therapy, I was off-meds for some of it, and I sort of didn't give a shit. I lost a bit of weight at first, but then I began to go the other way, embracing the fact I was bigger, starting not giving a fuck and following all sorts of amazing bloggers, like Gabifresh, Franceta Johnson and Nicolette Mason, fell head over heels for the body-positive movement that was happening.

Then things began to sort of fall apart at university, realising that I hadn't put my trust in the wrong people, I did stupid things again, I needed therapy again, I was on medication again.. After a particular horrible incident - when I was crying over the fact a pathetic man had called me fat - I realised that I was okay with being fat; I even blogged about it. I wasn't upset because he thought I was fat, I was upset that fat was the insult he was attempting to degrade me with - not unintelligent or shallow or arrogant or anything that I would've been more insulted to be called. But fat - like the most insulting thing is how much I weigh, not what I am like as a person. It was just, pathetic, pretty much, and that is still what I think about people that use that as an insult.

That was such a pivotal moment: it was like thinking for my entire life that being skinny would be the thing that would make me a better person, that being thinner would somehow cure all the emotional baggage I had, hoped it would cure my depression. In the back of my head I would always hear a voice saying: that boy did those horrible things because you're fat, you didn't get that job because you're fat, you failed those exams because you're fat. It's vicious, and horrible, and I know everyone feels like this occasionally, but this was like a mantra that I lived by until suddenly, one morning in a quite art studio at university, I realised that nothing I thought about being fat was true.

So for a while after university, I completely stopped caring. I was fat, and so what, I still got shit done and lived my life. It was like, the biggest weight (haha) lifted from my shoulders: this giant self-conscious thing I had been dragging about behind me for twenty years had suddenly had gone and I realised that this was really what it was like to give zero fucks. It feels really good. I urge you to try and get to that place, mentally, if you aren't already there.

This Christmas, though, I realised that I would like to be healthier. Healthier, not skinnier, that was the key. It was putting health before looks, how I felt over what I looked like: I just wanted to be able to run up the three flights of stairs and not feel out of breath, to be able to do more. And so gradually, over about eight months, I've lost five stone.

I'm not thin; I'm not even really that healthy, but I'm a lot better than I was. I can't run a marathon, but I can look in the mirror for probably them first time in my life and not shy away from what I see. It's helping in other aspects of my life, too, with friends and the relationships in my life. I know this statement is potentially problematic, but I really feel like it is true for me: you cannot love someone until you love yourself. How can you really care for other people when you spend 90% of your waking time thinking about how much you hate yourself, and obsessing over what you look like?

It has taken me nearly a decade to get to a place where I want to reclaim my own body. I know I've barely scratched the surface on this journey, but at least I've made a little progress. I'm not saying the way that I've gone about things is the best way, God, no. I have a few really amazing friends and a surprisingly supportive family that have helped along the way but I know that I have done a lot of the hard work myself. The hard work being all that thinking that comes with this kind of stuff, fighting the deluge of internal insults and assaults on your self-confidence that everyone deals with daily. But it's nice to feel like I occupy a bit less space, and a lot more of my body, these days.

zero fucks - confidence

I have been a fan of Franceta over at Frantic Dreams for a while now, she's six-foot-five and has an absolutely amazing body and sense of style. As a larger, almost six-foot-tall girl, I have suffered with confidence problems all my life, and recently I've been getting annoyed at myself for thinking I have to fit into a certain bubble of wearing boring clothes and making myself "blend in" because I am bigger. I think, fuck it, no. And that is basically what Franceta talks about in this video, but says it so much better than I could ever say. I really urge you to watch it. Recently, I've been hating so hard on body/fat shaming and I am so much better for it!

How do you stop giving a fuck? Simple, you stop giving a fuck.