black days

It's no secret on this blog that I have had struggles with depression, and today has been what I affectionately call 'black days'. They are days I just write off, essentially. They're the days where I lie in bed and cry for two hours straight or feel sick to my stomach about my life, and I know there are other people out there that feel like this, too. I know that it's not normal to want to ruin everything I've worked really hard for just because today is really hard. So this just a reminder, a placeholder on my blog for future black days, because there will be many. That just because today sucks, tomorrow might be bit brighter. It might be - but it might not be.. sometimes things get better before they get worse. Either way, be strong and good luck if you're suffering from black days or grey days. 

here's to 2014

2013, I have recounted to my friends many times, has been the shittest year I have had in a long time. It started badly and continued on a sour note for most of the year. Don't get me wrong, I have had some nice days out to castles and continental cities and although I didn't jet off anywhere fancy this summer, I had the most nostalgic English summer to a town that I used to visit every year. But the inbetween times were filled with the most vile year that university could bring on me, living in a horrible place with some people who turned out to be not who I thought I was, and left me with a bad case of depression that landed me back in therapy and hospital in the early part of the year. Despite all those horrible things happening (and the general post-uni haze that descends about two months post-graduation when you realise you haven't found a job yet because your university prepared you so poorly!) I have realised I have a thicker skin that I thought, that I have an amazing group of friends that even when we haven't seen each other for a month because we all work retail and have hideous shift schedules that I can talk to all evening until it's dark outside because we have so much (and nothing) to say to each other.. That even when my oldest friend moves half-way across the country I will still see her, and that my family will be there for me. My mum has been the most amazing person this last year, and has always been there in a very quiet way, looking after me when things are all fucked up. So even though 2013 has been pretty dire, there have been some golden moments that remind me to keep trying, even when everything looks very black and bleak. Let's hope 2014 runs smoother...

tweeness, triteness and tat

I often face an ongoing battle in myself - something that really probably shouldn't bother me but it does. That is the battle against tweeness - against that very American style way that has permeated blogs that decorates the celebration of seasons and holidays. I think there is something cloying about perfectly styled Pinterest set-ups that as bloggers we try and emulate.

I am excited about Autumn, Fall, if you will, and so I decided to look this up on Pinterest, trying to find a picture for a previous post. I'm faced with an array of scattered orange maple leaves, of pumpkins precariously posed, apple pies and scented candles and hot chocolate. I can cast a net and find a thousand over-Photoshopped photos of orange tree-lined avenues. Something in it strikes a chord in me and I get torn - torn between thinking this is so tweet, an American presence that has invaded our blogs and magazines and TV-shows..

But then I stop, and I look at the images and just tell myself to shut up sometimes, stepping aside from my persona as a 'fine artist', as someone who can be a snob, I admit! At university we were drummed into with the idea that anything slightly twee was awful and we should hate it because it isn't somehow real or gritty… I know that was because our tutor was a hideous man, though, and I look at this images with a different light, today, because I don't really see the harm in celebrating something that is genuinely beautiful, the changing seasons and nature. I don't see the harm in celebrating the love of hot chocolate, or bonfires, or toffee apples, of cinnamon scented candles.

I lived with a girl at university who was so vehemently against anything like this - against things that weren't striving to be cool or unique and my god, it just seems like too much had work to deny yourself enjoyment - and more to the point, who are you to judge people that enjoy these things? I'm not sure if there is a point to this post - maybe this is just a change in my mind, but I don't want to have a similar, awful, contrived personality that I grew to hate - I want to be honest about things that I like and not feel the need to hide them. 

Does anyone even understand what I'm on about? Haha, oh well.

autumn mornings

 

It is one of those just autumn days today that reminds me of everything, and nothing quite specific at the same time. As I lay in bed trying to will myself to get up this morning, I peeked through the curtains to look at the sky - a wide expanse of grey greeted me. A band of yellowish light on the horizon, and the slightest touch of white where the clouds were thinnest. Opening my window the noise of the magpie greets me and then the air hits my face. It is that fresh, coolness that reminds me of the first chilly walk to school or a warm wind on a cool day. The air smells damp with the promise of rain and there is just enough wind to move the leaves that have gathered in small heaps around our front door. Whilst there is nothing specific that reminds me of anything, there is just something that tells me that autumn has officially started, that winter is rolling in on us at pace, that I need to find thick sweaters and warm clothes. Maybe I am feeling prophetic this morning - or maybe I am just more awake than I usually am at 7.30AM - but it feels like something is changing, that there will be good news, shortly.

it's a new dawn, it's a new day

For New Years Eve I went to my friend Debbie's uni-house - it was a really good night, very relaxed and chilled, a good evening all in all. I drove with my friend Lauren, who brought some photos of us three from her 12th birthday party - which will never see the light of day - but I definitely didn't think we'd been friends with each other for that long! I'm really glad we have been, but what is that, like 11 years of friendship? Insane, haha. On the drive down to her house, we were talking about these pictures, how long we've known each other and how old we are - we will both turn twenty-two in 2012... we don't want to get any older! This is the first year of my life where I've actually felt happy in myself, I feel like I've learnt and grown up a hell of lot, I've coped better, moved on, felt confident for the first time in my life.. A lot of generally good things. I'm happy about this, and I want to continue this in 2012!
So I've made a list of things I want to achieve to continue this streak. These are not resolutions, these are goals to keep me happy..!

Read for pleasure.

I feel like I don't do this anymore, because I have to do so much reading for university! I know I have my dissertation coming up this year, so this isn't likely going to happen, but it's something I enjoy and I miss doing.

Be more sensible with money.

I'm getting better with this, but I want to make sure I don't fritter my money away on "affordable, fast fashion" and other silly things. 

Be more adventurous with food, culture, my work. 

And learn to cook better.. I make the same few dishes over and over - and my brother is always telling me my taste is awful. It's gotten better in the last few years, but I still don't have that much variety in my meals. I stick to what I know in my art practice, and although I enjoy this, I need to be more outgoing.

Be healthier.

This isn't a "lose weight, go to the gym" goal, because that won't happen! It's just a make-better-choices goal. Like, choose to walk more, choose healthier options. This is in every area of my life - like take better care of my teeth and sort out my dodgy knee, haha. 

Visit Tam and see friends that have moved away more frequently.

Tam is a lovely friend that lives in San Francisco.. I want to go see her! I've only gone to visit Debbie a handful of times, have never visited Lauren at uni, and only been to see Rachel once. I'm a bad friend, and need to correct this!

Keep my journal regularly.

I used to obsessively keep a journal - then as part of my degree course, I have to keep a "reflective journal" and so my personal journal came to a halt. I enjoy doing this and it gives me somewhere to think, privately. I need that.

Continue the good, forget the bad, be happy.

In terms of my depression, I've had an amazing year. I've only experienced a couple of bad patches. I put this mostly down to weeding out the bad people in my life. You know the kind! I've had a good time since, and I like that!

I hope you all have a very happy, successful 2012!