Growing up

Things have been weird of late - I feel like I'm starting to come into my real self - in a very odd way. I think I've always had a strong sense of self - however it's been clouded by stress and depression and awful cliquey girls at school. I was naive in thinking that would change when I went to uni and was in for a rude awakening...

I think what I am getting at is that I am just a lot more comfortable in my skin - it's a very foreign feeling for me - but my body is not something I'm scared of anymore - I'm not scared of my thoughts or what they have the power to do to me. I'm not scared of other people or what they think of me. I guess this comes with getting older, maybe, but it catches me right off guard every time it does.

My brother called the other day and said something that knocked me for six, how maybe he wasn't as sympathetic as he could've been when I was at my worst - I think a previous version of myself would have gloated over this and kept it in my back pocket to throw back at a later date - however this time I just let it wash over me and moved on.

Age is a weird thing.

Christmas 2015

The Rules Of Blogging state that you should post your content when it is most relevant, however, I found these whilst dumping all my pictures from my memory card onto my laptop - so thought I'd share these because they make me happy.

I said it a few times last year to my friends, but as I get older, I don't really care much about Christmas - sure, it's nice to get a new perfume or a new jumper, but really I just want some time off work, lots of time with family and friends, and to be cosy and eat good food, which is basically what I did this year most recently gone.

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Quiet celebrations

Part of one of my goals for the new year, in a year where everything had been a bit mad, I lost some loved ones, and gained some - I wanted to make sure I spent time more thoughtfully in 2016.

Whilst I was raised Catholic, I'm not really religious, I can see the appeal in marking the year with specific dates and days. I seemed to blink and miss 2015, I'm not really sure where it went, it was a blur of new jobs, travels and trips and a flurry of activity. Therefore I wanted to make sure I made time to celebrate the turning of the year - I've always been interested in the idea of the wheel of the year - the equinoxes and solstices punctured by festivals throughout the year to celebrate the year. More importantly, they make me think about spending time outside, and remind me to make time to take time. 

So earlier in the year, to celebrate getting rid of the darkness, the first signs of spring, and about letting light in, I decided to light candles wherever I could, and spend a little time to celebrate the time of the year. I'm harsh on the winter, however I do forget that it's necessary - and it makes the spring all the nicer when it does arrive, with sudden showers and spring buds.

Some other dates for your diary... 

20 March - Vernal Equinox
20 June - Midsummer Solstice
22 September - Autumnal Equinox
22 December - Midwinter Solstice

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Springtime (and I feel human again)

I wasn't ever going to blog about how the last post on here was about Christmas, or the fact I've felt like a little shell of myself, the last few months but I've realised I don't care to post content that everyone else wants to see... 

It's funny how winter affects me so much; after the rush towards Christmas, I feel like I just slip further into a hole that is hard to climb back out of. It's not every year it happens, but when it does it catches me so by surprise it knocks the wind out of me - in January I kept thinking I was fighting it off, that I was getting to the gym and being sociable and doing all those things I was taught to do to keep me going, before realising I was finding no joy in them and I ground to a halt.

It's not until the first warm day of spring that I start to feel like me again. Only when the sunlight begins to feel warm again, and I roll my window down on the drive home from work, and I sit outside in my garden on the weekends to eat my lunch and it's okay, cause everything starts to feel okay again. Today felt okay, for the first time in a while. I woke up this morning after a lovely evening with a new friend, I have some things to look forward to, I feel like I'm more solid in my skin and things feel good. This afternoon I sat and watched the blue tits in the garden, did some knitting and drank my coffee with full fat milk, to feel indulgent.

So I guess I'll just sit tight until summer...

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